This is for me.
Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, ya know? I honestly don't care if anyone reads this blog or not. This blog is for me. I've been keeping silent waaaaaaaay too long. I went under that age-old idea that if you just were strong enough, your problems would go away. Well, it's been years and the problems haven't gone away. Not sure who thought that idea up, but they should probably have something bad happen to them.
I'm writing to just get this out there. In this post, I'll go by Reese Hunter (taking after my username: Resilient Hedgehog). Obviously that isn't my real name. And because these posts may get pretty real and honest, I don't want anyone I love connected to what I'm sharing. So, needless to say, all names and sometimes genders are not accurate on this site.
But anyway, I'm already rambling. The point is: I just need to get this out there. I'm gay. Well, I'm not really "gay" but I guess I am? I don't know. It's hard to describe. Let me just say that I am a male attracted to other males. I'm not attracted to women physically at all--although I was married to one (more on that later).
Doesn't seem like a problem so far, right? Well... here's the catch: I'm also a pastor at a fairly conservative church. Ah! There's the rub, you're probably thinking. You're also probably thinking, "Hey, why don't you just quit the church and come out already? It will be easier and you can finally be who you want to be." Yeah... thought about that... like, a LOT... And I've come to the conclusion: I don't want to be gay.
I know... I know what you're thinking. And I know some of you might explode my comment section (which I may or may not read--I'm not sure; remember, this is all about me here). I know you can't just choose to be gay or not to be gay--trust me, I've lived this life since I was 13 and first started to noticed that I wasn't like the other guys when they talked about girls during sleep overs. I was more focused on trying not to stare at the guys' underwear than talking about girl's panties. Ever since that time, I didn't want to be gay.
I knew I was different; I knew I wanted to be like them but just couldn't. So I pressed it down. I suppressed my feelings so deeply that nobody would ever know. My parents wouldn't know (and to this day, still didn't), my friends wouldn't know--nobody would ever know.
Well, as I'm sure some of you have figured out, that doesn't work so well. Eventually I had to tell someone. I let it slip to a good friend of mine when I was in high school. As it turned out, he was feeling the same weird feelings about guys too! (Small aside, I know what some of you are asking, and no, we never dated and never will. He's like my brother. That would be... weird... Like kissing your sister... ugh... But more on him later.) He and I became even closer in our friendship as we journeyed in life together. I also told an adult counselor of mine and one of my other straight friends (more on them later too). Since then, I've told maybe a handful of people in total about my same-sex attraction. My parents don't know. My bosses don't know. Nobody knows. It is my best kept secret. In fact, if you met me, you'd never even assume I was gay. Not even close. I've had two people on two separate occasions tell me completely unprompted, out of the blue, that I was probably the straightest guy they knew. No joke. (I'm actually really proud of that fact... as a gay guy, I'm more straight than some of my straight friends who were accused of being gay.)
In college I did experiment with a guy and that was when I solidified that I didn't really want to be gay. No, it wasn't a bad experience. In fact, the whole relationship was fairly typical for any romantic relationship--only it was secret to everyone else. But more on that later.
After breaking up with him, I met my then future wife. From the very first conversation we had, I told her about my same-sex attraction. She didn't care. We quickly became friends and then ended up falling in love. While I didn't initially find her attractive, I did discover that my love for her made her attractive in my eyes. We were later married and lived together happily for three years. And yes, we had sex. Lots of sex. And yes, I enjoyed it--although it took me a few sessions to get used to vaginas... They can be quite scary... More on my ex-wife later though.
To make a long story short, she ended up completely changing as a human being overnight, had an affair, and left within a few days. No, the divorce and her affair had nothing to do with my same-sex attraction--even she admitted that it had nothing to do with anything as we were discussing divorce. We were sexually active all the way up to the end. And she was happy all the way up to the end. She just... changed... It was weird. But more on that later.
I now live with my best friend, the same one I described above--the one who also has same sex attraction. But we are going very different directions in life. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably never have a romantic relationship ever again. It's not what I want, but it's beyond my control at this point. My friend, on the other hand, has decided to start to come out slowly. While his mother is aware of his feelings, she still expects him to find a nice woman and settle down. He has other plans... He recently met a nice guy and for the first time is no longer a virgin. More on that development later because I'm not sure what to think about that...
So here I am, stuck in the middle. A scarred, broken human stuck between being a Christian and holding to what I believe and my personal feelings. I'm stuck between being a supportive friend and an honest counselor. I'm stuck trying to be a role model for my kids (the children I work with on a daily basis, not my own personal children--I have no bio-children) and making sure my own needs get met.
To top it all off, I'm now depressed. I've been depressed twice before: once in college and once after my wife left. I know the symptoms and I know how to manage it. However, things are getting too much for me. I'm not one for medicine or any other "home remedy." I've thought about going to see a professional, but I know it wouldn't help. I hold a degree in psychology and am very well aware of who I am and what works for me. I guess me talking to you is my own version of therapy. I'm not really looking for answers; like I said at the beginning, I'm just looking for this to get out there. Somewhere.
While I believe in God, there is just something powerful about writing things down. And I will tell you, God is the only reason that I am even alive right now. He has been such a comfort through all of this; I know without any doubt he is real and is watching out for me. More on my faith with him later though.
So there you have it. That's the start. This was meant to be just a simple introduction post; a post that I can branch away from and refer back to as I continue to dump on you the problems I seem to face.
I'm not sure how to end this except to let you know that I appreciate you. I haven't met you, but I already appreciate your willingness to just listen and not judge; to hear and support without hateful comments or condescending tones. Thank you for allowing me to work through this. You are really great and I pray God blesses you richly as we trudge forward in this mess we call life. Have a great day!
I'm writing to just get this out there. In this post, I'll go by Reese Hunter (taking after my username: Resilient Hedgehog). Obviously that isn't my real name. And because these posts may get pretty real and honest, I don't want anyone I love connected to what I'm sharing. So, needless to say, all names and sometimes genders are not accurate on this site.
But anyway, I'm already rambling. The point is: I just need to get this out there. I'm gay. Well, I'm not really "gay" but I guess I am? I don't know. It's hard to describe. Let me just say that I am a male attracted to other males. I'm not attracted to women physically at all--although I was married to one (more on that later).
Doesn't seem like a problem so far, right? Well... here's the catch: I'm also a pastor at a fairly conservative church. Ah! There's the rub, you're probably thinking. You're also probably thinking, "Hey, why don't you just quit the church and come out already? It will be easier and you can finally be who you want to be." Yeah... thought about that... like, a LOT... And I've come to the conclusion: I don't want to be gay.
I know... I know what you're thinking. And I know some of you might explode my comment section (which I may or may not read--I'm not sure; remember, this is all about me here). I know you can't just choose to be gay or not to be gay--trust me, I've lived this life since I was 13 and first started to noticed that I wasn't like the other guys when they talked about girls during sleep overs. I was more focused on trying not to stare at the guys' underwear than talking about girl's panties. Ever since that time, I didn't want to be gay.
I knew I was different; I knew I wanted to be like them but just couldn't. So I pressed it down. I suppressed my feelings so deeply that nobody would ever know. My parents wouldn't know (and to this day, still didn't), my friends wouldn't know--nobody would ever know.
Well, as I'm sure some of you have figured out, that doesn't work so well. Eventually I had to tell someone. I let it slip to a good friend of mine when I was in high school. As it turned out, he was feeling the same weird feelings about guys too! (Small aside, I know what some of you are asking, and no, we never dated and never will. He's like my brother. That would be... weird... Like kissing your sister... ugh... But more on him later.) He and I became even closer in our friendship as we journeyed in life together. I also told an adult counselor of mine and one of my other straight friends (more on them later too). Since then, I've told maybe a handful of people in total about my same-sex attraction. My parents don't know. My bosses don't know. Nobody knows. It is my best kept secret. In fact, if you met me, you'd never even assume I was gay. Not even close. I've had two people on two separate occasions tell me completely unprompted, out of the blue, that I was probably the straightest guy they knew. No joke. (I'm actually really proud of that fact... as a gay guy, I'm more straight than some of my straight friends who were accused of being gay.)
In college I did experiment with a guy and that was when I solidified that I didn't really want to be gay. No, it wasn't a bad experience. In fact, the whole relationship was fairly typical for any romantic relationship--only it was secret to everyone else. But more on that later.
After breaking up with him, I met my then future wife. From the very first conversation we had, I told her about my same-sex attraction. She didn't care. We quickly became friends and then ended up falling in love. While I didn't initially find her attractive, I did discover that my love for her made her attractive in my eyes. We were later married and lived together happily for three years. And yes, we had sex. Lots of sex. And yes, I enjoyed it--although it took me a few sessions to get used to vaginas... They can be quite scary... More on my ex-wife later though.
To make a long story short, she ended up completely changing as a human being overnight, had an affair, and left within a few days. No, the divorce and her affair had nothing to do with my same-sex attraction--even she admitted that it had nothing to do with anything as we were discussing divorce. We were sexually active all the way up to the end. And she was happy all the way up to the end. She just... changed... It was weird. But more on that later.
I now live with my best friend, the same one I described above--the one who also has same sex attraction. But we are going very different directions in life. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably never have a romantic relationship ever again. It's not what I want, but it's beyond my control at this point. My friend, on the other hand, has decided to start to come out slowly. While his mother is aware of his feelings, she still expects him to find a nice woman and settle down. He has other plans... He recently met a nice guy and for the first time is no longer a virgin. More on that development later because I'm not sure what to think about that...
So here I am, stuck in the middle. A scarred, broken human stuck between being a Christian and holding to what I believe and my personal feelings. I'm stuck between being a supportive friend and an honest counselor. I'm stuck trying to be a role model for my kids (the children I work with on a daily basis, not my own personal children--I have no bio-children) and making sure my own needs get met.
To top it all off, I'm now depressed. I've been depressed twice before: once in college and once after my wife left. I know the symptoms and I know how to manage it. However, things are getting too much for me. I'm not one for medicine or any other "home remedy." I've thought about going to see a professional, but I know it wouldn't help. I hold a degree in psychology and am very well aware of who I am and what works for me. I guess me talking to you is my own version of therapy. I'm not really looking for answers; like I said at the beginning, I'm just looking for this to get out there. Somewhere.
While I believe in God, there is just something powerful about writing things down. And I will tell you, God is the only reason that I am even alive right now. He has been such a comfort through all of this; I know without any doubt he is real and is watching out for me. More on my faith with him later though.
So there you have it. That's the start. This was meant to be just a simple introduction post; a post that I can branch away from and refer back to as I continue to dump on you the problems I seem to face.
I'm not sure how to end this except to let you know that I appreciate you. I haven't met you, but I already appreciate your willingness to just listen and not judge; to hear and support without hateful comments or condescending tones. Thank you for allowing me to work through this. You are really great and I pray God blesses you richly as we trudge forward in this mess we call life. Have a great day!
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